Thursday, August 13, 2009

Where I am right now.

A year after we were married, The Esquire and I wandered around the world for 14 months. The backpack below carried everything I needed for that whole trip. Note: the rocking Elephant is just in the picture for scale...we didn't carry him around with us.

Tomorrow we are leaving for Ethiopia for 10 days...and are taking 9 bags, 5 of which weigh over 50 lbs. Note: we might as well be taking the rocking elephant with us...we're taking everything else!

And yes, we will come home with less luggage but more baggage if you know what I mean. We'll leave behind the diapers and formula and wipes and bottles and crayons that we are taking to the orphanages but we'll be bringing home two humans. And that, my friends, is just plain craziness.

People have been asking me all week how I'm holding up? Am I emotional? And every time I've replied, "who has time for emotions? I have too much to pack and do and buy before I get on that plane Friday!" These past few days have been all about one thing: GET ON THE PLANE. I can honestly say I am looking forward to that 16 hour flight to Dubai where I can't do a single thing except sit and sleep and read and think and sleep some more.

But this afternoon, when I put the last luggage tag on the last steamer trunk sized suitcase, I did start to realize what was happening. And I should be honest here, because that's what blogs are about right? Honesty. (those pants don't make you look fat at all...) The strongest emotions hitting me today weren't about what we are going to do/get/, the strongest feeling running through my heart and mind today was about all that we are losing.

Now don't get me wrong, I am so ready to get my hands on those babies I can barely type right now. I am more in love with these two little people that I have yet to met than I can even say. But that doesn't change the fact that our lives are about to change and that makes me a bit sad.

I am madly, crazily in love with The Esquire and I adore our life together. I love spending time with him. People always ask what it was like to travel with him for 14 months...just the two of us, and I always jump to say just how perfect it was. I would happily spend 24/7 with him for the rest of my life if I could. I am selfish with his time and his a nutshell, I want it all.

So as ready as I am for this next chapter in our lives to begin, I'm also a bit sad that this last chapter is ending. Never again will it be just the two of us. Never again will we sit around and wonder about who will make up our family. Never again will I have The Esquire all to myself.

Again, please don't misunderstand me, I can't wait to see The Esquire as a father. I daydream about the Wonder Twins with their noses pressed to the window waiting to see his car coming down the street at the end of the day. I can't wait till we go traveling as a foursome and we get to see the world through their little eyes. I can't wait to see who we will all become once we all have one another. But none of that changes the fact that I'm in mourning for the life we are leaving behind.

And I think that's ok. I mean, isn't there some quote about in order to move forward you have to look backwards? Something like that? Well, there should be.

Anyway... that's where I am tonight. I can be jittery and giddy and excited tomorrow about our future, tonight is all about where we are right now. And that's why I'm going to stop writing now so I can go enjoy my last evening alone with my man.

Talk to you in a few weeks... ciao!

PS... ok, because the blog posts with pictures of nurseries are always my favorites, I can't sign off without showing you ours...and a few comments about some of my favorite things...

The blue and white quilt was made by my mom for my older brother when he was a baby. The mobile is from Dharmsala, India (home of the Dalai Lama) and is made up of the eight auspicious symbols of Buddhism. We've had it in storage for 3 years, just waiting for the nursery.

The woodblock print on the wall was made by Jana Funderburks and the HOPE print was made by Robert Indiana for the Obama campaign. Most of the toys are from the 70's and were purchased by The Esq on ebay.

The fabulous world map was a gift from my godsister (after I pretty much asked her for it every day since we went on the wait list). The brown thing on the edge of the crib is actually a cool toy bag my mom made for my brother and me when we were babies. Fret not, it won't stay there, we just haven't figured out where to hang it yet. And hanging on the door is Amitabh, the nursery's Indian Ambassador. What? Your nursery doesn't have an Ambassador? You really should get one!


  1. I think it is very wise to note how things will change in your relationship, that you are in some way prepared. You're right, it won't be the same. But, and I'm sure you know it, some old favorite things get replaced by new favorite things. Adjustment through disequalebrium. I remember one day about a month after my son came home and here I was riding around in the backseat with him while my husband was driving us around and I sat there and cried because I missed being able to sit up front and talk to him and hold his hand or touch his knee. But one of the best things about becoming a parent is that it made me prioritize my time much better. I hardly ever watch TV at all anymore. I read voraciously whenever I have the chance. The alone time I get with my husband is more precious. Oh, you made me cry this morning. Safest, most exciting travel to you and the Esquire. Snuggle those little ones under the full moon.


  2. What a grea and honest post! Thanks for reminding me to enjoy my love while the time for just the two of us lasts. If you weren't thinking this way, I don't think you'd be as good a mother - for every yes and hello, there are so many no's and goodbyes! I wish you the best 10 days ever. Peace!

  3. Kat, I totally understand... I have kids and sometimes when date night rolls around I don't want it to end. I want him all to myself. I think it is fantastic that you get it. That you allow yourself to have those feelings. The wonder twins are very lucky to be coming into a home with so much love and you and the Esquire get the greatest privilege in life and that is to raise those cute buggers into thriving adults and you are going to do a fantastic job!! PS I heart the Ambassador :) Have a wonderful and safe trip. I can't wait to see the pics.

  4. How do you have time to sleep? The nursery is so freakin' adorable! I love the blending of it that the right word? You have tied everything in so well together! Anywho, it's a simply beautiful room and I'm sure you're little ones will love it!

    I totally understand what you mean about your relationship with your husband. David and I have what we like to call our "bubble", where we're the only ones invited. Bad day at work, I need my bubble. Disagreement with family member, I need my bubble. It's like this wonderful little safe place that we've created together, where the two of us is all that matters. It will be interesting to see how adding to our family will affect the bubble. I'm counting on it expanding.

  5. I hear you. This is lovely.

    (And so is the nursery!!!)

    Happy, safe, wonderful travelling. Godspeed!

  6. Beautiful honesty. Allen and I also did some significant traveling before G and the traveling doesn't stop, it is just different. LOVE the nursery. Gorgeous with so much meaning. Safe travels and look forward to meeting the Wonder Twins.

  7. I love nursery pictures too. I noticed your Little People house right away. My parents kept all of our Little People toys and I'm so glad they did! My children love playing with them at their house.